Thank you for reading. In this page, I will be recounting all of the things I'd like to achieve written on the home page, and adding how I'll know I've achieved this.
Reasoning: This was one of the main things my ex pointed out when he left me. And it's also something I've been noticing for the entirety of this year. I get angry and irritated quite easily. If something doesn't go my way, I'll let it affect me for a long time. Moreover, I always feel the need to point out others' flaws and insecurities, even if it's just as a joke. Yes, I know friendly banter exists. Most of the people in my life don't appreciate this kind of friendly banter though. Including me, if they're pointing out something I'm really insecure about.
The plan: Therapy. No, it's not going to be the end-all, be-all. But I need someone to keep me accountable. I will try to make an appointment for a counselor at the practice I'm enrolled at, but they typically only give two-three sessions at a time. I would like to see if I can get a referral to something more long term, if possible. If not, I will try to teach myself Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT, no not THAT CBT), something in which I've had experience before. This will help me identify my negative thoughts, the situations that made them occur, and what I can do to change my actions in response to these thoughts. I will also look for anger management classes that are available in my area.
How will I know once I've achieved this?
Of course, this doesn’t mean my mind has to be peaches and honey all the time. I can think what I want to. But for the rest of the year, the focus is to make sure what goes on in my mind doesn’t impact me or other people.
Reasoning: Basically what I said on the front page. Mental and physical health is important, and exercise can help with both.
The plan: I've taken up a modified version of Stronglifts 5x5, partly because a) I'm not strong enough to do some exercises like the bench press and the deadlift, and b) I am not able to hit the gym three times a week, and therefore have to make up with what I can at home. More about this can be seen in my fitness blog (link here when it's up), but for each workout session:
On the days I don't go to the gym, well, I'm still figuring out a routine for that. I don't know if I should make it up with cardio, accessory work, or more dumbbell workouts (since those are all the weights I have at home, and they only go up to about 13.4kg). Once my trimester ends, I may have to take up a temporary gym membership somewhere.
How will I know once I've achieved this? In terms of weights I want to lift by the end of the trimester (if not, by the end of the year):
In terms of how I look is a different matter. I feel very self-conscious posing in the mirror, and don't even know how to post to show off all those muscles. I don't have any concerns about my weight, but I recognise I will have to eat more to gain muscle. I just wanna look good, goddamnit.
Reasoning: Oh boy. If I don't end up doing the optional goal at the end of the list, this will be the hardest part, no doubt. I don't necessarily want to trauma-dump here, but my relationship with my dad has deteriorated a lot in the past 5 or so years. I'm not sure if my reasons for why I let this happen are reasonable or not. It's a combination of resentment for what he's done, and fear for what he will do. His temperament is very volatile, like mine, and I'm always scared he's going to blow up at some minor thing. Ever since I made the resolve to improve myself (which is not too long ago), I noticed that he's very fun-averse, rarely has something nice to say about people, always points out their flaws behind their back, and gets angry if he can't find something/something doesn't go his way/no one's listening to him, etc.
I really, really hesitate to say this, because it comes across like I'm putting the blame of all my problems on someone else. But maybe the environment I was raised in played a part in why I am this way.
The plan: My ex was actually going to help me with this by coming out to my dad about my relationship, and hopefully starting the process of reconciliation. Ex seems to have found me irredeemable though. I still haven't come up with a concrete plan, because it really is a scary prospect to think about. More details here when I'm in a better headspace to think about it.
How will I know once I've achieved this? I start spending more time with my dad rather than being constantly in my room. I'm not afraid to talk to my dad about sensitive things. I'm not afraid to ask my dad if I can go somewhere. I can have a conversation with my dad without fear of what he will say, or by not being affected by what he says.
Reasoning: This is more of a "personal development" thing I guess? I just want to achieve good grades for a sense of success. I know that grades aren't really everything, and in my field of study it's practical work that matters more, but I am finding things a little difficult this trimester and want to make sure I do well.
The plan: Ask for help. I am stupidly difficult in asking for help, mostly because I feel embarrased if I don't grasp simple concepts easily. Also, to write a more descriptive schedule for each day. Right now, all I write is "programming assignment at 3pm" or whatever. I need to specificy what I would like to complete when doing this "assignment".
How will I know once I've achieved this? When my final grades get back, I get nothing less than a C for any of my courses.
Reasoning: Again, more of a "personal development" thing, or something I want to do just because I feel like it. O, my ex, encouraged me a lot during our relationship to make music, since he also made music, and wanted to share that experience with me. I had bad self-esteem when it came to writing songs, especially in the face of someone who's a trillion times better than me. This time, I want to try my best to create songs that I'm proud of, and to tell O that yes, I can make good music, and to thank him for inspiring me - even if it wasn't in the way he expected.
The plan: Complete the first song by the end of September. This will be about O and my feelings about the end of our relationship. Because I am also planning to sing in these songs (something I've never done before), I need to find out where I can borrow a microphone for a few days. This may delay the release of the song ("release" meaning putting it up on SoundCloud and giving my friends the files if they want it). I would like to get all the instrumental parts down by mid-September though.
The second song will probably be about the progress I've made since I wrote down these goals. It will be released in January - February 2023. I'm not thinking about it right now, but I will almost definitely sing in them too.
How will I know once I've achieved this? Why, when I upload it to SoundCloud and show it to my friends, of course! O still follows my Instagram and has me on Discord, so maybe he'll see too. I don't know what I want his reaction to be, but eh.
Reasoning: Just like the two above, for personal development. It is quite embarrassing, the number of people whom I don't talk to anymore because of me. I won't describe all of them in detail, but I have hurt them with my words in the past, knowingly or unknowingly. Some I just found annoying; others I was too clingy. I would like to apologize to them once I'm in the correct headspace. I don't care if they accept the apology, I don't care if they never reply. I just want to tie up loose ends.
The plan: Simply reach out to them on social media and apologize for my actions. A lot may not forgive me, and that's okay. At least they know I am remorseful, even if they don't believe it.
How will I know once I've achieved this? Do I really need to answer this question?
There you have it. All in writing, and most in descriptive detail. I hope you enjoy observing what I do to achieve all these.