Spite Journal

A journal I used for the "Spite" section to track my progress towards achieving my goals. In reality, it was filled with griefing about my break-up and I didn't end up achieving much. This section is placed here as an archive.

30 Sep

Yesterday I had to use my CBT journal for the first time in a month. I said something to my friend that he said a few times he didn't want me saying, and I went ahead and did it anyway. The same kind of thing that happened with O.

Will I ever improve? Will I ever learn? I know I wrote the "answers" to all of these questions in my CBT journal but the thoughts are still there. I'm so, so scared that no matter what I do to try to improve, these flaws will still be present, and I'll be unfixable. No one will love me. I'll have no one in my life because I'm such a bad person. I'm already beginning to feel the strain of having not a lot of friends to talk to now that O's gone. I don't want to go through my university years having no close friends anymore because all my previous friends have drifted apart. Will O always be right about me? I'm determined to prove him wrong, that I can be a good person and change myself. But what if nothing works?

Anyway. My university has this kind of program where you work towards a certificate or award. To achieve the certificate or award, you need to be involved in volunteering activities around campus or the community, participate in different types of workshops, and write a portfolio. The difference between the certificate and award is that you need to do more activities and workshops to achieve the award compared to the certificate. Each activity gives you a certain amount of points. You need 100 for the certificate, and 300 for the award.

I decided to sign up for the certificate so I can put a lot of focus into it next year and have some sort of purpose that keeps me busy. I'm not sure if I'll be able to achieve the award within the next 2 years, so I'm electing to do just the certificate. But if I think I can do enough to get enough points for the award, I might as well do it. It's flexible.

I'm already working towards the certificate - next week I have an activity to do, and a workshop on networking to attend. The week after, I am attending a portfolio workshop. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do much for the certificate over the summer break, but I'm planning to take up some activities within campus next year. Here's to being a better person holistically, and here's hoping I won't fail.

25 Sep

Figured it was time to give a proper update on my goal progress.

Manage my anger: I have restarted my course of anti-depressants, and I've noticed that they've really taken the edge of my anger and irritation. I haven't been using my CBT journals because I haven't felt the need to. As a result, I haven't looked for anger management classes because I haven't been getitng angry. I know that once I go off these anti-depressants, the feelings will come back, and I have to put in more work. So I'm not sure if I would call any of this "progress"; more like, things have been put on hold for the better.

Gymming: Yep, I'm gonna give more excuses here. I did go to my university gym once last week but that was really it. I'm yet to sign up for a gym closer to me. There are multiple choices, and after some research I realized the gym I was intending to go to would have been the most expensive. But even if I did sign up to the gym I now intend to go to, I am possibly about to get a job for the summer, which would require me to work 6 days on, 3 days off. I know I would be too exhausted to exercise. So I'm waiting until I get confirmation that I will indeed get the job before I sign up.

Repair relationship with dad: No progress. Next.

Achieve good grades: Half-good, half not-so-good. I'm still not doing so well in my programming course - my average grade over all my assignments so far is a C-. I'm still waiting on results from the mid-trimester test I took for it, but I'm hoping that grade will be better. Some of my other courses are doing pretty well though. For one of my maths courses, I got 93/100 for my test. And I mentioned in my shenanigans blog that I got 95/100 on my Asian Studies course test. So things aren't too bad in the grand scale of things.

Write two songs: The first song will not be released by the end of the month, but there is still a chance it will come out eventually. I found out about a recording studio in my city that I can book for two hours at a time for free. I may end up using that, if I ever get the chance. I haven't really touched my song in a few weeks, though.

The final goal I still haven't made progress on, because I know that I have not taken adequate enough steps to improve myself. I can feel myself still being quite judgmental at times and saying things that are not very nice.

So I don't know. Am I on the road to be better? Who knows. I'm scared that at the end of all of this, I'll be the same person as before. Everything will have been for nothing. This negative core belief that no one will love me if I don't become a better person, that I'm inherently a bad person, will eat me from the inside and destroy me. I don't want to let that happen. I need to make change.

11 Sep

I did it. I have completely removed O from my life. He is now in my past. I don't have to deal with him ever again.

But I kind of wish I never sent him a long-ass message sucking up to him and apologizing for what I did. Because after I sent the message, I realized that he wouldn't respond at all (or give an adequate response), so all those words really were wasted. So without waiting for him to reply, I finally removed him from all the other platforms I had him added on, namely Discord, Instagram and Steam. I wish there was a way to remove subscribers on YouTube as well.

It feels... really freeing, yet sad as well. I can actually finally move on adequately. I honestly wish I did this earlier and heeded everyone's advice. I can't wait to start my life afresh now.

He doesn't care, now I won't care. I won't bother with him. He's out of my life.

I don't have much else to say, though. I haven't been doing my CBT journals as of late, partly because I haven't been getting upset/mad. My days now are really boring. They mostly consist of lying in bed, watching YouTube and studying. I still need to sign up to the gym that's closer to me. I don't know when I'll get around to that.

I will probably rearrange this website so that the homepage will be "back to normal" instead of a huge wall of text. This self-improvement thing will now be a small section rather than the main purpose of the website. I think making this plain section the main part of the site has hampered its growth and attractiveness a lot, so I'll be changing that.

3 Sep

Things are hard at the moment. It's been 30 days since O left and these past three days have been extremely tough mentally and emotionally. I don't even know why. It can't be because it's the one-month anniversary. Does Covid have something to do with it? I also have two upcoming tests that I've barely studied for, so it could be that. I also need to write up my CV and ask for a reference from a former manager who I'm pretty sure doesn't like me.

I've also hit a roadblock with my song. I need to add more instruments to make it sound less empty. I'm thinking a counter-melody, but I don't know what instrument to make a counter-melody with. Maybe some type of synth? I have the KORG collection thanks to O so maybe. Or I could record vocals and then find an instrument for the counter-melody.

I don't know where to get the equipment for recording vocals. I need a mic and an interface. I'll also need mixing headphones. I have a contact in mind, so maybe I'll ask her. But I'm not sure how to tell my parents about that. I could also ask my old music teacher to see if I can borrow my high school's music studio for a while, but I'll still need to get headphones from somewhere. God, this is hard. I know maybe O wouldn't be against lending me his equipment but I'd have to go to his house to record and stuff and he'll listen. And dude, the fucking song is about him.

Well, gotta take it day by day, huh? God, things really are so hard.

31 Aug

Still working on my own song. The instruments I've added so far are: electronic drums, "real" drums, a thick bass synth, an 80's like synth, a "woosh" sound effect that plays every time the 80's synth plays, and... that's all. I don't really know what other instruments to put in there as background noise. Things would be easier if I had a portable midi keyboard to mess around on, honestly.

I handed in an assignment despite me not completing it fully. I'll definitely get a good grade for it though. It was a fairly easy assignment. I got a grade for a previous assignment, though, and it was 40%. That's a fail, but I won't fail the course overall if I don't dip below 40% on the rest of the assignments.

I've written a "letter" of sorts to O. I'm not going to send it unless he ever asks me certain questions, which he probably won't ask anyway. It just helps me to make sense of my thoughts and think about how I'd express them to him if I ever do. I'm never telling him the extent of my hurt, but I will tell him that I'm sorry and that things will never be the same between us now.

I've been so lazy these past few days. After my positive COVID test I haven't really had the motivation to do anything.

I don't have much else to say.

29 Aug

It's only 12:30pm, and I've already gone through a vast array of emotions.

I had the doctor's appointment today. I wanted to take the car to the train station, which I expressed to mum last night. Then this morning, my mum said that dad would drop me off. That pissed me off. Didn't help that I was thinking about O at the time, stressed about the day, and just generally not in a good mood. I didn't yell at mum - I just forcefully said something along the lines of "if I have a restricted license, why can't I drive?" I'm always being denied a chance to drive by myself. Then she explained that because my grandparents might get sick (my dad has COVID and it's likely the rest of us will get it, but that's a story for the shenanigans blog), they'd need the car to take them to the hospital. My dad has a van, but they wouldn't be able to get in it.

I felt guilty and said yeah, sure. But ma went to check, and dad said that it's okay for me to take the car. I felt even more guilty. And I just ruminated over that outburst on the way to the university.

The main thing was that I cried in the car and at the university over how I felt like such a bad person. I thought of all the things O said about me and how all of them were becoming more and more glaringly obvious by the day. I hate being angry. I hate being irritated. I hate hurting others in my rage. I see it so clearly now and I just fucking hate it. I kept wondering how I will overturn this untrue core belief of me being an inherently bad person.

Once I went into the doctor's room, I told him about the breakup, even though the main purpose of me being there was to get a repeat prescription on my antidepressants. He did give me a helpful perspective on things. He said that because the main instinct of the brain is survival, we tend to ruminate over these events to really analyse what went wrong and what could have lead to the breakup. It resonated with me - I think of the last day I met up with O in person and how so many events during that day could have been the catalyst for the breakup. Especially that goddamn Starbucks drink. I can never look at Starbucks the same way again.

But yeah, having someone tell you in person that what you're experiencing is normal really helps. I know a lot of people in my life, including my neocities followers, have told me that, but it was always through a screen. I no longer have any meaningful IRL connection - I feel like my friendship with my friends is getting shallower by the day. O was that person I could talk to all day every day without fail.

The doctor also told me that because I'm so beaten up about it, the relationship was really important to me. Yeah, it really was. Even though it was a short four months, I had fallen hard. He meant the world to me. Where else could you get someone as amazing as him?

Maybe if he didn't break up with me, I wouldn't have made this concentrated effort to change. But maybe this concentrated effort is an effort to get him back, despite me telling myself that's not the case. I've repeated many variations of this, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back entirely. And I've said that if he wanted to come back, I wouldn't let him.

But I really miss having physical intimacy guaranteed whenever I meet him. I want his hugs and his kisses again.

Oh well. The rest of the day up until now hasn't been that depressing for me. Let's just see how the afternoon goes.

28 Aug

Yeah, I understand why O hated me lying to my parents about us a lot. It's so fucking tiresome doing it.

I'm going out to dinner with friends tonight. We're having dinner at a restaurant, and the person organizing the meetup wants us to take a bus to a bowling alley. Dad would never allow me to do that at 8pm. There are also 6 of us, so I couldn't take the car even if I wanted to. I probably should, tbh. Because the person organizing it also wants us to go to the beach to take photos. I haven't told neither my mum nor my dad that. So when I call them to pick me up from the beach, that's going to be interesting.

As if that wasn't enough, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at my university. During my mid-trimester break. When I have no reason to go to school. As soon as this appointment is over, I'm re-enrolling myself back at my original practice. The inconvenience simply isn't worth the free price tag. I have to tell my dad that I'm going to do some extra tutorial work or whatever. Mum's words.

To live a life where you have to lie constantly because you know your dad will shout at you or disapprove of you is so stressful. O doesn't know that feeling. Both me and my sister lie to our dad constantly. We want to do normal kid and teen things like hang out with our friends in the evening. I know very well that my parents just want us to be safe. Especially since, you know, shady things go down at nighttime. But I will be with 5 other people. And... I literally just want to live life. I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

Could it also be because I am introverted? I barely went out with friends outside school time during high school because I couldn't be bothered asking my parents. Now that I'm in university and the only times I can hang out with friends is outside of school time, it's becoming more and more stressful to ask for permission. I know I'm sounding like a privileged petty girl (probably what O thinks of me now) but I don't know. I'm trying to live a stress-free life here and the ONLY roadblock is my dad.

Another thing. I'm considering getting a gym membership to a gym closer to where I live, again due to convenience. It is much more expensive, though. I am applying for some sort of card that makes it cheaper, but it will still be a hefty pricetag of 10 dollars a week. Parents would explode. So many fucking obstacles, my god.

Anyway. To other things. Alongside my song about O, I'm making another song. It's a cover of "Goin' Blind" by KISS. I'm gonna replace Ace's guitar solo in the song with a saxophone solo (provided I end up getting one in the first place, since the saxophone is now 2 months overdue). The song about O is going well. I left it alone for a week, scared that it wouldn't sound good, but it's alright. I just need to add more instruments to support the main ones. I tried adding a violin but it sounds awful. String instruments never sound good when you're using samples. Same as like, well, every other instrument. I don't have any recording gear whatsoever - I'm planning to borrow a friend's (not O's gear because I don't want to show him my shit). Then I'll record vocals and my sax. Not like I can play any other instrument anyway - I can play piano, but we have a keyboard, and I can't figure out how to connect midi instruments for shit.

25 Aug

I feel like it's too good to be true. I am doing so much better now, and I haven't even started CBT yet.

I found a YouTube channel last night in my search for understanding CBT and how to use it in day to day life. It's run by Barbara Heffernan and her most popular video is an amazing guide to the therapy technique. It even includes a log template for one to use, and I'm going to start using that instead of my DIY STWS technique. Moreover, I looked through other videos on her channel for other advice, such as identifying what category your negative thoughts fall under. She even had videos on the very thing I want to work on and fix - anger. Some of the things she said in her videos genuinely made me cry. It really made me feel like that I'm not alone in this, that my experiences are not mine and mine alone, that other people struggle with what I'm struggling with too. Especially in one of her anger videos, she mentioned how children learn how to cope with their anger from their parents. And that's definitely me. I was so reluctant to accept that maybe my dad is the reason why I am the way I am, and she said that it's okay.

Another way she made me cry is through a "short" (YouTube's poor-man's-TikTok). I just watched it again and tears started welling up once again, lol. She asks the question of "Are we trying to seek self help advice because we feel like we're not good enough? That there is something inherently wrong with us?" And that spoke to me. Yes, I want to improve myself. But I didn't realize that this was coming from a place where I felt like I wasn't enough, like there was something wrong with me. I really carried that belief for a while since O left. He did make me feel like that, even if it wasn't on purpose. I finally accepted that yeah, even though I have flaws that I need to work on, I'm still amazing the way I am today.

I haven't had many negative thoughts today, and if I did, I counteracted those with positive thoughts basically instantly, so I haven't had to use the log yet!

More importantly, I feel like I am so much closer to accepting our break-up. The pangs of pain aren't as sore whenever I think of him, and I can remember the good times we had without feeling like I needed to get rid of them. It's still going to take some time, but I'm on the right track.

A follower of the site recommended me a meditation app a few weeks ago, and I've only just downloaded it. There are some meditation videos on Barbara's channel, but I did one of them and I thought it wasn't really that invigorating. I'm going to do one of the meditations on the app after I write this up.

23 Aug

Today is not going to be a good day. O is in the US right now. I've known this day would come for months. Yet why does it still hurt? Why is it hurting so much now compared to all the other days in the past week or so? I've been doing mostly okay since the last journal. Yeah I still think of him in the morning and night, and with random twangs of pain interspersed inbetween. But it's not like as in the beginning where he was all I could think about, all day. Now that I know he's in the states, that he's far away from me, that he has three weeks to fully get rid of any remaining feelings he had for me thanks to the distraction that being with his friends will afford... I don't know what to say. Will I get rid of all my feelings for him in the next three weeks? Well, I should resolve to do that, shouldn't I?

Let's talk about some good stuff. I've finally started my anger journal. Like I said, it's both physical and on a notes app I have on my phone. I have written 6 entries so far - 4 of which were written yesterday. I don't know if it's helping. I mean, it did help me clear up thoughts in the moment. But I'm too scared to go back and read them again. Maybe because those thoughts will arise again.

I have another programming assignment to complete before my mid-trimester break ends. It's... going pretty well so far. In fact, this has been relatively easier compared to the previous assignments. Maybe it's because I've finally gotten the hang of some things, who knows. But I'm looking forward to getting a better grade for this assignment.

I'm going to be working on my CV today. I need a job for the summer. If I haven't gotten over O by then, then a job will surely do the trick. There are a few jobs that have already been posted for the Christmas period, so I'll apply for those. Hopefully my previous work experience in a jewellery store will help get me more job offers.

In a similar vein, I've resolved to do everything in my power to distract me from O. Bascially, just do anything to occupy myself, be it through schoolwork, or my resolutions on the front page. A distraction is what I need. I know I should process my feelings too, but I've done that a lot over the past two-and-a-half weeks. Nothing's working. The only thing that works for sure is time.

18 Aug

I have not begun my anger journal yet. It's harder to identify the times I get angry, and it's even harder to admit that I am indeed angry. Once my mid-trimester break starts, I'll start that and look up videos on CBT.

I'm making headway on one of the songs I'm meant to write. I actually have been writing it for a while, but yesterday I had a bit of a breakthrough. Before, I only really had a drum machine beat, a melody line, and lyrics for nearly the whole song. Yesterday, I added wayyy more, and changed up some of the lyrics and melody line. I will still need to change the melody for the verses, because the range of that is way too low for my voice.

I should also start practicing my vocals. Warm-ups, trying to increase my range as quickly as I can, etc.

As for how I'm coping, I'm doing much better than a week ago. Yesterday I entered a weird sort of acceptance zen, where I told myself that most of the question I had about O can literally be answered in the break-up message. And as for the questions about whether or not I meant anything to him, well, should the answer matter today? Because whatever the answer is, I still don't have him.

I miss his touch, hugs, and kisses. I kinda wish I could just have those and not have the rest of O. I cannot look at him, I cannot hear his voice, I cannot even listen to his music without feeling immense pain and guilt. I fucked up so badly and I paid the price. He's still the last thing I think of when I go to sleep, and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I dream of him still too. And every morning, I think about us, what we had, what I lost, and I cry without fail.

I almost did ask him a question. Okay, I did. The question was "how easy was the decision to leave me". But I deleted my message afterwards while he was typing his response. I told him to not answer that, as it's best I don't know. He said that he's always going to be honest with his answers, and he hopes that I don't feel like he was using him (that was just kind of a sidenote to the message though), because he values integrity. I guess my lying to my dad about O really did affect him a lot.

I answered that I know he will be honest, but I just don't want to get hurt. I also said that it hurt that he made the decision to leave quickly, and that he never tried to talk to me about it, but also acknowledging that he did think about it for a while. I'm not sure if I should have talked more about my shortcomings, because he did not reply. Maybe he does regret not talking to me about it before jumping instantly to break-up. Or he just hated what I did so much that conversation wasn't an option. I think this is going to be the one question he won't answer - why he didn't just talk to me.

I have a test tomorrow, and I'm not prepared at all. It's for a course that I've been largely ignoring in favour of my other three. I have to answer a question, and compare and contrast aspects of China and Japan in relation to that question. So fun.

13 Aug

I've been thinking a lot about my anger-related goal lately. It all came especially to a head last night, when some family visited. After they left our house, my parents just went full on judgmental. "Oh, they stayed in the same hotel on their holiday as we did, and they got some sort of membership to it. They're not thinking about the long-term when it comes to money." "The children seemed a little tame today. God, I wonder what's gonna become of the middle child - she's still so developmentally behind." "I can't believe the kids have some after-school activity basically every day. Are they all not tired?" And while yeah, I don't see anything wrong with looking at other people's lives and putting yourselves in their shoes to see what you'd do better. But just judging them constantly is such a fucking bore, and generates way too much fucking negativity. I know I'm sounding like some woo master here but genuinely. I see O's point - this much negativity isn't good to be around all the time.

Getting rid of these thought patterns and impulsive reactions is going to take a lot of work. I'm not actually sure if therapy is going to cut it in this instance - the work needs to be done by me. As a result, I think I'm going to start a physical journal in writing down any negative reactionary thoughts I have when I see something. I'm a little worried this may not work out, because I started a physical journal for my fitness goals and that didn't turn out quite well. Also because when these thoughts occur, I may not have access to the journal. So maybe I'll have a dedicated notes app for writing down these thoughts as well.

For each thought, I will write about four things:

I'm thinking about coming up with an acronym or mnemonic for this, but all I can think of is STWS. Stews. Actually, that kinda makes sense, since these types of things tend to "stew" in my brain a lot. I'm a fucking genius.

11 Aug

I'm definitely doing a lot better than I was a few days ago. O doesn't plague my mind as intensely. Last night was the first night in a while where I didn't have a dream about him.

My body and mind still feel really sluggish though. So far I've only done two lectures, and no self study. Especially since I have a test on Monday, that's kind of bad. I also elected not to go to university and stayed home instead. Which means I've skipped the gym today.

I was also reminded today that I am supposed to fill out some sort of online profile that will help you to get tech internships over the summer break. I figured I'd give it a go, even though I'm struggling hardcore with the actual programming side of things and don't see how anyone would find my current skill levels to be of any use. I'll see if I'll be able to finish that over the mid-term break.

Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts that O and I will be together again in like 5-10 years from now. Or that O will end up finding a girl really soon and forget me quite quickly. My brain keeps short-circuiting and I hate it. I just wish... I don't know what I wish. I wish things will get better already.

This has mostly turned into a griefing journal rather than a journal that tracks my progress. Well, I haven't made any. Still haven't rung the health service to make a counseling appointment, fuck. Maybe I need to do CBT instead. A follower of this site suggested meditation, which I'll probably do later today. Baby steps. Need to keep reminding mysel that baby steps is the key, and we can't achieve our goals immediately.

9 Aug

You know, maybe this was a knee-jerk reaction. I mean, yeah I still want to improve myself, but I think I listed off way too many things for me to achieve. Every day I get more convinced that I can't speak up to my dad due to fear of him yelling at me. And I really don't think my grades are going to be good. Especially for my programming course, which is due in two days and I'm still heavily stuck on it. I know, ask for help - but who's really going to give me help so close to the due date? All I can do is look in the course's Discord page and hope someone else has asked a few questions that relate to me (because I have no idea what questions to even ask).

Last night I finally told my mum about the breakup. I cried, which I needed. But now a lot of little things, especially music, set the waterworks off inexplicably. If I think about him too much, I cry. It's embarrassing, knowing that he's unaffected while I'm over here still picking up the pieces. It's like the situation with his ex, but now reversed - he's the one who's moved on while I struggle to do so.

Bad day at the gym today. No prizes for guessing why. Even though I can now overhead press 14kg, my lower back started feeling a little sore, so I bailed out before I got worse. I'm now able to Bent Over Row 18kg, but today I could barely lift them for three reps. I left the gym earlier than planned.

I'm going to have lunch with my friend today to help get my mind off things. I'm super stressed because I have 8 things due within the next two weeks, and then two tests in the first week back from the mid-trimester break. It's annoying how my mental health is in such disarray at a stressful academic period. Thanks, O. Appreciate it.


Update 2: Still not feeling that better. I wish I would just get over it already. I have some sort of online task that was supposed to open half an hour ago but it still hasn't. I had this exact same problem the last time it happened. If it doesn't open in another few hours I'm emailing again.

I also had to revise for a test on Monday, but I'm shoving that to tomorrow. Once I got home, I wanted to do nothing except lie in bed.

O is also working on a song about me, as evidenced by his Discord status sometimes showing "one more song" and him working on "DAW Music" every so often. I wish he'd finish it already so I know his true and honest feelings about me, and then I can decide if it's worth pursuing a friendship again, or to leave him in the dust also. I don't know man.

I wish I was as talented at making music like him. I'm trying to make a song too, two songs actually, and nothing seems to be working out the way I want to. From the way I form my ideas to the VSTs I have. It's annoying. Especially since you're aiming for perfection on the first release. Especially since you're basically now competing with him.

I don't know, man. I keep saying that a lot, both to my friends and here. I just feel really helpless. Like nothing is going to work out. I wish this would all be over already.

8 Aug

It's only 10am and I feel terrible. I have less energy than on other days. I jokingly thought this morning "I wish I would die". Then I really thought about it, and realized it wasn't really a joke. My ex left, I'm stressed about uni. Heck, I still haven't told my mum we've broken up. Things are really, really hard right now.

I don't feel like ringing someone to make a counselling appointment - I simply don't have the energy. I also don't want to work on my programming assignment despite it being due in three days and I'm not even halfway done with it. I still have three lectures to do regardless, plus some studying in preparation for a short quiz tomorrow. And if that's not enough, I have a test in exactly one week. I feel so terrible that I have so much to do and my mental state is in absolute disarray.

Sometimes I want him to come back. Sometimes I feel nothing towards him. In my actual blog, I'll write down some words that properly describe how I'm feeling right now.

I think instead of writing just two songs, I may actually make an EP. I feel like singing a cover of Dolly Parton's "Jolene". Even though most of the song has nothing to do with my current situation, I adore how with such simple songwriting, it can invoke such intense emotion. Plus, at times during our relationship, I did feel like he adored someone else more than me, although he did reassure me that he only liked her music and nothing else.

I'm aware that things are going to get worse before they're going to get better. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of the spoon theory. It's a metaphor for depicting how much energy people with chronic illnesses have during the day. Say you wake up with 50 spoons. Each spoon represents a decision you have to make. When you make a decision, you take that spoon away. These aren't big decisions though. These are small decisions that the average person doesn't have to think or worry about. Things like getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, making breakfast, going to work. All of which include little decisions of their own. And before you know it, you're left with one spoon, and you can't do anything for the rest of the day simply because you're unable to.

Some days you wake up with 100 spoons. Others, you wake up with 10. It's a way to help people without chronic illness understand how people living with these conditions have to manage living from day-to-day. It's also a way for those who do live with these conditions to put their life in perspective, and work towards lessening some of these decisions to live a better life.

I don't know why I bring this up, and I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of, and feel better about how I feel today.

Anyway, off to use up a spoon.

7 Aug

Dad's arguing with my mum about something. I think repairing my relationship with him will be extremely hard seeing as he has a tendency to yell whenever he's threatened or anything. I'll have to account for that when I make my plan.

I'm struggling with a programming assignment right now. The jump from my programming course last trimester to my programming course this trimester is huge. I didn't really expect that. What a lie about not requiring to be experienced in programming beforehand - of course you need some knowledge. This really sucks. I might not get a good grade for this particular assignment, unfortunately.

Didn't exercise today - I got distracted and also haven't found a good at-home routine. I'm scared that I'll lose progress with whatever routine I do, because I won't be lifting the same amount I lift in the gym.

Speaking of the gym, my dad was, for some reason, not pleased when I said that I paid $200+ for the gym at my university. He said I should have paid for something more local or whatever. I mean I guess so. But it would be more expensive, and actually may be more inconvenient. But seeing as I'm not seeing my ex anymore, I don't have as much of a reason to go to university irl apart from compulsory classes and tests. I'll consider it.

Tomorrow I will ring my uni's healthcare service to get a counselling appointment. I hope I get one soon enough - when I booked an appointment with my doctor, the nearest appointment was in three weeks. Maybe I should have sticked with my family's health practice and applied for a card that gives me a discount instead.