22 November 2021

I don't really know whether to put this entry into the regular Shenanigans section or the Storytime section. I'll just put it here anyway.

Last night I experienced loneliness for the first time in years. Loneliness used to be a huge reason for my depression. I had no real life friends for 1 and a half years - there were only people I interacted with online. And while they were nice, it didn't remove my need for human connection. Every recess I sat alone in my tutor room on my phone with no one to approach and talk to. I wanted desperately to have friends that I could share my interests and feelings with, but there was no one. The friends I used to have were unpleasant to be around. While I would rather have been alone than spend time with them, it was still a shitty feeling.

The reason for my loneliness last night was a similar craving for human interaction. I have many friends now, both online and real life, don't get me wrong. But I just wanted to talk to someone. I realized this reason as I was about to fall asleep, so it was too late for me to reach out. It manifested itself as a weird shadow of the depression that used to be. It's like the feeling was trying to crawl back, and I was trying to identify this feeling but it kept hiding from me while trying to take root in me. It's hard to explain, but basically I didn't know I wanted to talk to someone until I fell asleep.

Next year I'm going to start university. I'm gonna have to start my friend-making journey all over again. And it's so, so hard for me to make friends. I am always nervous about what the other person is going to think of me. I rarely approach first. At least online, you have this shield where no one really cares who you really are. In real life, it's different. People see everything about you. And it's intimidating.

Sorry for my schizo rant, but I just wanted to express it.