Sorry to make another blog post so soon, but there were a few things that I forgot to talk about in my post yesterday, and also some things have happened in the past 24 hours. Grab some coffee and your favourite snacks, because this is the longest blog post I have ever written yet.
Ready? Okay. Let's start with the topics I forgot to cover yesterday.
If any of you remember the "Spite" section, you will know that I was trying to produce a song in my DAW which would have been about my ex O. Well, surprise surprise, that goal is now "an goal". I still may end up posting the lyrics here somewhere, though, because I'm still happy with what I wrote. But I have come to accept that I am not at all good at music production. I know that it doesn't matter whether or not I am good at something, that I just have to enjoy it, but truth be told, I no longer enjoy making music either. There would be times that I would be like "Yeah, I love making music, doing it makes me so calm". And once upon a time, that was true. But that's no longer the case, especially since O came into my life. Everytime I open up my DAW to make something new, I'm overwhelmed by the work that I need to do and the work that I'm unable to do. And as a result, I end up not creating much at all, and abandoning the project after only about an hour of work.
So yesterday, I decided to get rid of the majority of my downloaded VSTs and all the project files that are completely of no use to me whatsoever. It was time to say goodbye to my history of music production, and maybe goodbye to performing music as well. It was also another piece of my ex's lingering presence I was getting rid of, since he encouraged me to create music. In my blind love for him, I tried with spectacular failure, and it made me more insecure, especially when compared to his beautiful masterpieces. As much as I resent him now, he is still an amazing and talented music maker. Do I wish him all the best? Well, the best is that his music blows up, he becomes famous, and he'll be directly in my life forevermore. Ha. Hell. I hope he becomes happy and satisfied with life, however.
I also decided to uninstall a lot of games from my Steam library and external downloads. It was another piece of O that I was keeping around. He had shared his Steam library of 1100+ games with me and for some reason, he didn't revoke my access. I was also reluctant to revoke it myself because I wondered if I would get into video games at some point later in life, and I could just use O's library for free. But after conversing with a friend (who gave me a very unhelpful and brash response), I realized that if there was a particular game I wanted, I could just buy it. And truth be told, there really isn't any, apart from maybe Bejeweled 2 and Peggle Deluxe (sorry I'm too pussy for shooters). I was just holding on to dead connections, yet again, and rationalizing the irrational. So I uninstalled the majority of games from both his and my library, all except two in fact. One external game I downloaded 2+ years ago had taken up a whopping 86GB of storage.
I removed my access to O's library too. I'm not sure if any of you have had a Steam library shared with you. But there was something that bugged me about this shared library feature after O left. So picture this: someone has their library shared with you. You're online. They're online, and playing a game. They close their game. You get a Steam notification. It's something along the lines of "Hooray! X's library is now free and available for you to play a game." When O is not making music, he is playing games. And sometimes this notification would pop up on my laptop 3-4 times, forcing me to exit Steam. It got me pretty pissed because this guy is supposed to be out of my life, I've blocked the fucking guy, and here he is taunting me with his ghost-like presence. So I was happy to get rid of that.
I very rarely played video games as it is, especially after O left. I tried playing a few games that he bought me, such as Portal 2 and Fallout New Vegas, but they never interested me enough to make me play through the games completely. Not to mention, did I say I hate shooters before? They're both shooters. I hate that sense of adrenaline that goes through you when you're tasked with trying to kill someone or something. I'm not talking about the guilt you feel about having to kill someone/something - it's a video game, I'm not that sensitive. I just don't like panicking about doing a task I have to complete in a short amount of time, especially when they're out to complete that same task. Yeah, I'm pretty useless.
O was also the one who tried to get me into playing games regularly, just like what he did with music. I do still appreciate him for that. He tried to get me to play his favourite video game franchise of all time, Halo, and he even bought me a Halo game (not one of the main ones), but alas, it was all fruitless. I'm thankful he introduced me to that world, but now I think it's time to leave it. Maybe not completely, but mostly.
Anyway. After deleting all the VSTs, project files and games, I decided to clean up the rest of my laptop while I was at it. I went around deleting files I no longer needed, and uninstalling unused programs and software. In total, I managed to free up more than 100GB of storage. I could almost feel my laptop become lighter as I went through, deleting and deleting. More than half of the total storage is now available for me to use, and I think that's neat.
That was yesterday's topic. Yeah, that was a lot. I told you to grab a coffee and snacks. I'mma give you one last chance to fetch them before I move on.
So. I may have had a... hmm. I would not call it a "mental breakdown" because I didn't display any histrionics. I'm going to coin the term "mental interruption", or "emotional interruption", because that's how it felt. If I needed any more proof that there was something wrong with me, this is it, boys.
Since exams have ended, I haven't been doing much at all. I'm quite embarrassed to admit this to anyone, honestly, and I'm embarrassed to admit it here too. Let's just say that during my days, I do very, very little to occupy and entertain me. Alright, I'm lazy. I know I am. I've basically been displaying NEET and hikikomori behaviour for a while, even though I start a job next week.
I'm also still being plagued by a lot of thoughts that there is something inherently wrong with me, that I'm just a bad person to the core, that I have irreversible personality traits that make it very difficult to be friends with me for long. I've had more altercations with a university friend (who I used to call Y earlier in the year but eventually stopped for some reason... I'll resume now), and I've been feeling worse and worse about myself.
Last night, I was sitting in the living room with my dad and my mum, and they were discussing about how mum had to go somewhere the next day. He suggested that I go along with her. So he asked me, "Are you busy tomorrow, Mima?" I thought about it for a while to check that I really had nothing on, but while I said "No", he started laughing at me. I knew what that meant. He was laughing because he found it ridiculous that I was hesitating to give him an answer when I do nothing every day.
I know that getting out of this mind-reading behaviour is a critical part of CBT. But... there are certain things, especially with your family, that you instantly know and feel. I know my dad doesn't like the fact that I do nothing every time I'm at home. I know he's ashamed of me. But this blatant expression of it really affected me.
Several lone tears followed in the minutes afterward, before I decided to retreat to my room. I watched a few videos on Japanese hikikomori, trying to understand why I was this way. There was no doubt about it. There really is something wrong with me. Something inherent, something unchangeable. I really am a bad person. I'm irredeemable. There's nothing good about me. There's almost nothing I can do that can change this. And when I try, I get knocked down immediately. When I get up again, it's another blow in my face.
I started thinking about becoming a social recluse, just like a hikikomori or NEET. Because I think it would be easier for me. I wrote some stuff down in a notebook to sort my thoughts out. Here's an extract.
"You don't have to worry about social rejection when you don't try at all. You don't have to think about whether or not you're a bad person if you simply stop participating in society. Your value won't be tied up to people, to your education, to your family, or to your career." ... "Nineteen and fucked. That's what I am. Nineteen and no worth. No use. No skill. No talent. No motivation. No discipline. No interest. Just someone that exists. Someone wasting 36m2 of space in a house. I might as well strip the walls bare of decorations. It will reinforce my invisibility."
And it hit me. I should take down everything. I should make my walls as plain as possible. I'm nothing. Might as well reflect that in my room.
And so that night, after brushing my teeth, while my parents went to bed, I stripped down as much as I could. Only a few days earlier, I had put up some artifical ivy my mum gave me. (They're the type of ivy you used to see TikTokers and other social media influencers put on their walls.) Now, they're gone. I took down paintings I had made myself using paint-by-number sets, and stored them in my closet. I took down all the vinyl records of Yukiko Okada I had blu-tac'd up on my wall. Most of the work was done that night.
This morning, I took down remaining blu-tac left on the walls, some hooks that have been in my wall for ages, and a pencil-holder drilled into my wall that had been there for probably 7 years. I also tidied up my shelf so that everything was contained into one of the three shelf spaces. The shelf contains all my vinyl records, my turntable, and two figurines - one of a Hindu cow, and another of Maitreya Buddha (in his Budai/chubby form). I might upload a photo at some point, since it wouldn't dox me.
I'm planning to do several things. There used to be two books on my shelf - I've taken them down too, and I'm planning on donating them to a second-hand shop. I would like to buy something that would keep my vinyl records from falling. Right now, my turntable is doing the heavy lifting, and I would like to use something better. (The figurines don't hold them up at all.) I would also like to buy a new clock to make my wall look even plainer. My clock has a black and white vertical zigzag striped pattern with no numbers and red hands. I would like to buy a generic black and white clock, the kind you see in schools. I might also end up hiding my figures away somewhere in my room. I am still planning to do a general clean up of two of my drawers.
So for the most part, my room is now devoid of personality. My reasoning is that by doing this, I may make myself devoid of personality too. I won't be sociable anymore, I will be a passive participant in society, and I will lead a life filled with nothing.
Luckily, I have the self awareness to recognise that I am starting a job next week, and I have made several goals that I hope to achieve by the end of next year, so I don't think I'll become a NEET just yet (especially since I'm technically still in study, sheesh). But I don't know. I'm pretty mentally interrupted right now.
Wow, that was a lot, even by my standards! Hope you enjoyed this fascinating glimpse into my life. Or not. I don't care.
Until next time.