Defective

28 October 2022

I know something's wrong with me. I know there is. But I don't know what.

I've been trying to research all the different mental illnesses out there, but I can't find anything that is a perfect fit. Even the regular depression diagnosis isn't something that applies to me anymore. I definitely don't have dysthymia (or persistent depressive disorder) because I don't feel depressed everyday. It's mostly just boredom.

I'm beginning to suspect that it's borderline personality disorder. I initially thought this diagnosis didn't apply to me at all, because at the time I didn't match the criteria needed. But now I think I do.

The DSM-5 requires someone to meet five or more of a specific set of symptoms to fulfil the criteria of having BPD. I'm going to list off the symptoms I do have, and explain why I think I show this behaviour.

So yeah, that's 6, maybe 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD. The others are mostly related to self-harm and suicide ideation, which the former has never ever happened and the latter is a rare occurrence now.

I've tried looking up other personality disorders, but all they did was confuse me more than anything. I'm also not ruling out the possibility that I may be on the autism spectrum too, maybe with ADHD, but I really don't know. I should see a therapist about all this, I know. Reaching out is hard, though. Which is funny, because I wasn't so scared to reach out as a teenager, yet here I am today. I just don't really have that much trust in our mental health system. I don't think I'll get a diagnosis.

It's something I need to deal with, finding out how to go about knowing what's wrong with me. I don't know when I will get to it. I don't know if I ever will.

It is what it is.