Why Can't I...

24 October 2022

Even though two weeks have passed since my last blog, I don't have much to say. I only have one exam left, and that's at the beginning of November. But I'm behind on studies for that exam, so I hope that I can use the time in between to catch up.

I also refused the ferry job. I'm looking for other jobs now, but the fact that I have old, outdated references is weighing on me. I'm hoping that if I don't get a job this year, my efforts to make the most out of university next year will help me.

I'm 90% sure I want to volunteer at a cat shelter now. I'm just not really sure how to go about asking if shelters need any help. Like, they don't have vacancies posted on their websites, and I don't know how to word my email. It also seems like the shelters need fosters more than anything. As much as I would love to foster, I can't. Time is not a problem - I have plenty of time on my hands now, assuming I don't get a job. But it's more or less my parents. I did actually ask my mum if I could foster kittens, but she said my dad wouldn't allow it. I also explained in a previous blog post the general reasons my parents wouldn't allow a pet. So fostering is off the table. I'm hoping that shelters won't mind an extra helping hand with cleaning or something, because that's really all I can offer.

For the past two weeks or so, I've been thinking about O a lot more than usual. It's mostly just being reminded of him every so often. Sometimes the reminder would be an object. Sometimes it would be a song, an artist, a YouTuber. I let so much of my life become tainted by his memory. It's annoying more than depressing. Though I'm starting to think that I may not be as over him as I once thought I was. During the past few days, every time I was reminded of him, my brain short-circuited and I was filled with rage and hatred. I wish I could forget about him. But maybe I have some reassessing to do.

I'm going to change up the "Spite" section of the site, seeing as these goals aren't attainable by the end of the year. In fact, I really need to reassess these goals and make sure that I can achieve them realistically. My uni friend said I should be taking baby steps, and that's true. But I also just want to get everything done at once right now. It doesn't help that I have a very severe procrastination problem that applies to pretty much everything. I just... want to be good enough for myself, god damn it. If I'm not good enough for myself, how can I be good enough for anyone else? But then again, what if I'll never be good enough for myself, no matter what I do?

I hate this shit. I'm hoping next year is going to be better. I'm really going to work hard to make next year MY year.

Until next time.