Personal Happiness

11 October 2022

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm in the last week of my trimester for university and I have a lot on my plate. I have quite a few tests and assignments due over the next few weeks, but I haven't really felt the motivation to do any of them. I've just been chipping away at them, slowly. And getting distracted by other things too.

Things haven't been so good, lately. Well, moreso as of today. I did get a job offer at the ferry service today. I'm not sure if I said this before, but my parents aren't happy with me applying for the job. They're concerned that I will get seasick, and that the hours that I'll be working won't be practical. Which are valid concerns. But I'm moreso excited about the pay. It's several dollars above the New Zealand living wage, and I'll be working more hours, therefore getting more money. I may have to wake up early for some shifts though. Like, 3am early. I'm not allowed to drive a car by myself at that kind of time, and I sure as hell am not waking up my parents to drive me there. Public transport isn't available at that time either, so it's Uber for 6 days on. Fun.

I'm just disappointed that when I told my mum, she wasn't even remotely happy. I know she's voiced her opinion loud and clear, but still. At least pretend. I haven't even told my dad as a result. I don't know when I'm going to tell him.

In fact, I'm thinking about refusing this job. It's funny - I was complaining about how I was giving in to my parents' wants in my blogposts last year, and here I am doing the exact same thing. Some things never change. Maybe O's words about me will never change.

If I do refuse a job, I'm thinking about two options. One will make me happy, but make my parents disappointed yet again. It'll make me no money too since it's a volunteer role. The second will make me moderately happy, make my parents moderately satisfied, and make me some money.

The first is volunteering at a cat shelter. Yeah, my parents will make fun of me to high hell for this one. (I wish I still didn't crave their approval). I said in a previous blog post that I had cat fever, and I still do. I want to be around cats. I actually visited a uni friend's house and pet his two cats. (Ngl, that visit to his house could be a whole other blogpost for a variety of different reasons, but that will be TMI.) Because there's no way I'm allowed a pet cat myself, I think a better alternative would be to help cats get adopted out to their own forever homes. Plus, I'll be looking after tons of cats, so hell yeah!

The second is, well, just finding another job closer to home and with suitable work hours. It's a win for everyone and everything involved, but I don't think I'll be as happy doing whatever I will be doing. I'll be damn happy about the money, though. Fuck yeah.

You can't win in life, I know. When you have a goal you want to work towards, a lot of things will get in your way. I know people will say here that it's all about the mindset, and I guess it is. The only obstacles are my parents' approval. I can't control that. If I want them to be happy, I'd have to make myself unhappy, and vice versa. My happiness is more important for me. The decisions I make shouldn't depend on whether or not my parents would be happy. Yet why is it still so hard? I'm 19 for fuck's sake. My ex and my uni friend have both told me that I'm over 18 and I can make my own decisions and whatnot but it's so fucking hard. Is it a white thing? To just turn 18 and automatically be hella independent? Fuck knows.

There have been events that have been totally embarassing and semi-amazing in the past few weeks, but those are TMI and stuff I'd like to keep to myself.

Oh well. I've run out of things to say. Until next time.