Cat fever

7 September 2022

I really want a cat. Or, at the very least, to pet one and have it sit on my lap. This urge has been going on since about yesterday/the day before, and I don't know why. It could be one of three reasons (or a bit of all):

  1. I saw a Scottish fold cat online a few days ago, and I absolutely loved its round face and wide eyes. If not a Scottish fold, I'd love some kind of shorthair that looks like it.
  2. O got a cat just before he left for the states. There may be a jealousy factor playing in here.
  3. I'm just, so fucking lonely lol

Most mornings I end up watching cat videos on YouTube or Instagram. In fact, right now I'm listening to audio of a cat purring. I don't know why it's so relaxing to me - it sounds like snoring and I hate hearing snoring when I'm sleeping.

I'll never be able to actually get a cat, though. I have never owned a pet in my life. My parents say they stink, and I also have a general fear of animals. There was supposedly a cat cafe that opened in my city, but it's not like the ones they have in Japan where you go and drink your tea and play with the cats. You apparently can only see the cats with the intention of adopting them. That's not possible for me. I do have a friend that owns one or two cats, so maybe I can visit his house someday and play with them.

I'd love to go to Japan to visit the cat cafes or the cat hotels. I mean, I'd love to go to Japan in general, but still. I just wanna hold a fucking cat, goddamnit.

I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to take care of them, though. Or deal with them. They're cute and cuddly and funny and all, but they also tear up your furniture and destroy stuff and I don't have the money to deal with that. Nor do I have the money to buy them food and pay for their vet visits. I have plenty of time to play with them though. Life always gives you good stuff, but you have to compromise for that luxury.

To other news. Yesterday I got the results of my Asian Studies test. 95/100. I'm so insanely happy. I really wanted to tell someone, but of course, I no longer have O, and my friend is struggling with his studies so I don't want to make him feel worse. I don't think my parents would have any kind of reaction. I don't tell them anything about my grades.

I'm nearly in the acceptance stage of my grief. I'm slowly accepting that how I behaved in the relationship wasn't acceptable and that I need to make serious changes to myself to make sure this never happens again. I have to work hard to unlearn these behaviours and it's not going to be easy. But the payoff will be worth it. I'm sure it will be.

I guess that's all for today.