The Hurting

24 August 2022

I only really have one thing to say so this post might be a lot shorter than usual.

Today I cried more than I ever had since O left. Again, I woke up this morning thinking of O. I really wish I didn't get waken up at 7am every day by my family so I don't have as much time to think about him. I usually forget a lot of my thoughts once I actually get out of bed, though. It's still painful. But I did cry for a few minutes. I wanted O to come back. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever let O back into my life. But I don't think it's wrong to sometimes want what you once had. Or, I should say, it's normal to think these things when you're grieving.

So I woke up, got out of bed, brushed my teeth etc, and checked my phone. O had sent me a message. It was a photo of him holding some sort of long ass gun while holding - get this - a fucking anime body pillow. I know that his friends are downright weebs but god. That was so fucking cringe to look at. Like it almost physically hurt. He even looked like a generic neckbeard who would unironically be into that stuff.

Yeah, maybe that photo was taken ironically, you say. But I was still disgusted by it. And I don't know why, but it set off the waterworks even more. God, I really don't know why such a gross picture of my ex made me cry so much. It probably had to do with most of my feelings yesterday, about how he's gonna get over me in three weeks, how he's almost gonna come back a different person. Okay, that's probably some overdramatic speak, but you get my point, right? And I know that holidays don't necessarily make you a brand-new person. (From experience, it actually makes me a bit more bitter and angry). I just don't want him to forget me.

Which is ironic, because I want to completely forget about him. Seriously. If there's a way to remove all my memories of him MIB style, hit me up. I really could use it.

After talking about it with a friend, it became EXTREMELY clear that keeping in contact with O is not helping me in the slightest. Especially if he's sending me pics of him being an embarrassing dumbass. So I told O to not contact me while he's in the states so I could move on from him. He didn't respond, so I guess he's honouring my wishes. Sometimes I wish he'd address the relationship directly when I do instead of leaving me on read. God knows what goes through that brain of his. Some of me thinks that he might be grieving just as much as I am, or if not that much, then maybe a little. But the majority of me honestly thinks that he's completely over it. He's moved on, he's forgotten about everything we had, and hates being reminded of the things we did. He's more than eager to continue with his life without me.

Sometimes I have to really remind myself that it was me in the wrong. All my friends tell me that no, I'm not in the wrong, but I am. If I wasn't such a shitty person, maybe I'd still have O today. But then I'd think, even if I did change for the better, would it be enough to keep O? Moreover, are O and I meant to be at all? I was so sure of that fact not even a month ago. I was so confident we'd be living together years from now living a good life.

It's not like O did anything wrong - he didn't. It still really hurts, though, that the break-up was so sudden and out-of-the-blue, and that he didn't give us a chance. After a series of conflicts, he was done. That hurts, that he gave up.

And as for all the times I hurt him, well, I told him to tell me outright if I did so. This was even after a conflict we had earlier in the relationship - one I've actually written in this blog post. He didn't. He dumped it all on me at the end and left me in the dust.

Sometimes I wish I could tell all of this to him. About how I felt after the end of the relationship, how sorry I am for being such a prick, how I wish we lasted longer than we had and how I wish we had talked about this rather than let it end with the flick of a switch. What good will that do though? He's moved on. He's made his decision. My words won't change his mind. But I want him to know how I felt. But, it would be scary to know how he felt during the relationship. The thought process, the falling-out-of-love, the realization, the decision. That would wreck me.

Sometimes I'm convinced that no matter what I do to improve myself, I would still be the same. I'd still be moody, irritable, judgemental and hateful. I don't know what I'd do if that was the case. He was perfect for me, but I was not perfect for him. It's gonna be hard to cope with all of these negative thoughts swirling around my head.

All the more reason to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, huh? Alright gotta go. Seems like this post was longer than anticipated.