I'm wrecked. I don't know what to say. I've vented about this to countless other friends already but the emotions are still not gone. Why did he decide I was too hard to deal with? Why am I like this? Why do I never have anything nice to say about other people? Why do I constantly insult people as a "joke"? Why do I never consider the impact my actions have on other people?
There's only one thing I wish he could have done. Instead of leaving the conversation so closed, I wish he would have worked with me to find a solution and to help me fix myself. I even told him this. But no. He has no interest. He's done with me.
I feel so used. And I know this is how he felt too. But I felt like I've wasted four months of my life. I know four months doesn't read like a long time, but it felt like it was for me. I feel like he only used me to distract himself from the pain of his ex-girlfriend, and when he realized that my personality is not like his ex, he threw me away. No effort to resolve issues, no attempt at reconciliation. He just left me in the trashbin.
You know what? Just to make me feel even more shitty about myself, I'll bullet point all the reasons he broke up with me. All in his rough words.
Thanks, O. I know you don't read this. But if I could write out my unfiltered thoughts to you with no negative consequences, I would say thank you for making me realize how flawed I am. Thank you for putting every single flaw I have into the limelight and punishing me for having them instantly.
You know what I'm gonna do with those flaws? I'm gonna destroy them. I'm gonna improve myself and make sure they never affect my future relationships again. I'm gonna go the gym with more resolve and with a clear goal in mind - to make you regret ever leaving me. To make you regret not helping me through a tough period in my life and leaving me to fend for myself. I will come out of this better, brighter, and stronger. Success is the best revenge, they say. There's nothing more successful than living a fulfilling life with good relationships with everyone around you, having stable mental health, being healthier physically, and just being overall better than you. My spite and resentment towards you will be the fuel to my success.
I would apologize for what I did. I had actually completely forgotten to apologize in my initial message to you. And yes, I do feel remorseful for what I did. I lost an amazing friend and lover because of my actions.
You're making a song right now. Whether you warrant an apology or not depends on what you say about me in it. And if you do warrant one, it won't come for a while yet because I'm so full with anger and emotion right now that I can't bear to see you.
I know this entire post has been very emotionally charged. But I mean what I said - I WILL improve myself. Maybe this will be the motivation to upkeep this website more often. I could turn this entire site into a self-improvement blog, of sorts.
Again, thanks O. I genuinely mean it with no sarcasm. You're the catalyst to my success - how can I not be thankful?