Difficulty and fulfilment

26 July 2022

I have a few things to talk about here. I'm just not sure where to start.

Uni is a bit difficult this trimester. More specifically, my programming course and maths course. The course coordinator for the programming course did say it was going to be harder than last trimester, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. I'm having difficulty writing code that both me and the computer understand, and my friend isn't too much help either. I just hope I get a grade over 40% once I submit this first assignment.

My maths course has been more difficult that anticipated too - for some reason, our assignments don't necessarily align with what was being taught in our course. Or maybe it does, but it's just being worded differently. This new lecturer for this course is also going pretty fast - yesterday I think I learned maybe 20 new concepts. I'm not sure how much is actually relevant to the topic at hand, because it was mostly just new notation. But this is going to be fun.

It was O's birthday a few days ago, and I took him out to have some hot chocolate. We also went to an art gallery that I'd never been to, and apparently his dad said it was cool. Let's just say I now know that I am 100% not the type of person to go to art galleries. I don't do well with the abstract.

There is a fast food chain that gives you a free burger on your birthday, so O and I went there afterwards. We did a few other things too, such as visit a music and technology store, mostly because he was looking for something specific. And then we waited for his bus to arrive and we chilled in the car. I gave him his Doors record, which he loved. Since I put them all in a bag, he didn't actually see the letter, and I had to point it out to him the next day.

The letter was accompanied with a few other letters that I wrote within the past month-and-a-half, which mostly detailed my feelings for him and all my insecurities. He read them and addressed these insecurities, dispelling them and also reassuring me that he treasures me a lot. I wouldn't exchange him for the world - I have never, never met someone whom I've clicked with so well, and who's so similar to me. He's so insanely talented in so many different areas such as music and gaming, and I admire and look up to him so much.

Later that night he also addressed how I keep hiding this relationship from my dad, and how I lie a lot to my parents in relation to him. Tears were shed, mostly because I was remembering something traumatic that happened a few years ago. But I agreed that I would talk to my mum about what I can do to make her and my dad okay with our relationship.

So I talked about it to my mum, and surprisingly she said she herself didn't mind the relationship. But she said I needed to tell my dad by the end of the year. She was also open to meeting O, but we haven't really set a date yet.

As for my depression, well, it's kind of subsided since O read my letter. Which wasn't that long ago, so I can't really tell if I'm getting better. But I'm hoping that a combination of the gym, and opening up to my parents might help me more.

Alright, I'm going out to lunch with my friends now. So see you later.

5:39pm: After lunch, I decided to go over to O's house. I wanted cuddles, seeing as we talked a whole lot about deep stuff yesterday. And tbh, that's all we did. He played the Doors record I gave to him, and we laid in bed with each other. On the way home, I could have considered myself the happiest girl in the world.