Depression again

13 July 2022

I might have mentioned multiple times in previous posts about my depression possibly coming back again. Well, I can say for sure that it has now.

I had a bad week. Bad few weeks, even. I went to visit family last week, even though I told my mum I didn't want to go (especially since it was during my birthday and I wanted to spend my birthday at home). She didn't listen, and made me go along with my sister, who was more than happy to go.

I can't be bothered detailing everything that happened during that time. The main thing was that my flight home got cancelled, and it made me so mad, so upset, so overwhelmed that I almost completely shut down and cried. I didn't want to be there in the first place, I wasn't even enjoying my time there. I felt like every little thing was annoying me. The fact that I wanted to be home as quick as possible, and that opportunity was taken away, it sent me over the edge. I realize that I was behaving like a child, throwing a tantrum every time something doesn't go my way. And that shit happens in life and you have to deal with it. But so much shit was dumped on me at once that I couldn't handle it.

When I got home, my mum told me off for behaving like that, since I also didn't pick up her calls. I was mad at her, I was mad at my family, I was mad at my sister, I was mad at the useless fucking airline. She said the whole ordeal proved that I'm not capable of being an adult despite me being nineteen now. I don't know, man. Can I really be faulted for letting my emotions get the better of me once out of so many times in my life? I was so good at hiding my emotions, keeping everything to myself, and the minute I let my emotions out, I'm demonized. Okay, maybe demonized is a harsh word. But I don't feel particularly understood by anyone apart from my boyfriend. But even I think that he thinks I'm just being a baby. That's the anxiety talking, if you can't tell.

I've been home for a few days now. My uni trimester has started and it takes so much energy to attend lectures, even if I'm not attending in person. I have three lectures today, and I don't know how many of them I'll end up doing. I'm visiting my boyfriend tomorrow as well, so I can't really postpone anything for tomorrow. God, this never happened last trimester. I almost always watched every lecture as it happens (even though most of the time I really could have just not attended and read the slides instead), but now I feel like not attending anything at all.

I'm plagued with a lot of other thoughts as well, most of which are the same thoughts I had a few years ago, when my depression was at its peak. How my parents aren't proud of me. How I just want to be happy, but I feel like everything is working against that. This year is arguably the best year I've had in ages. I've had a fresh start in life in uni, I've made new friends, and I've met the love of my life. Yet why is everything crashing down at the same time?

I'll probably have to book a counseling appointment again if this doesn't go away in the next week. I kind of feel like if I go to counseling again, though, it will mean I have relapsed, or even failed. I failed at getting better. Here I am, back in another office, with a different person, repeating all of my problems, and starting the entire process again from square one. How embarrassing, and how shameful.

I wanted to take the car over to O's tomorrow, because I wanted to listen to vinyl with him on my turntable. But I'm not allowed, because I'm still not experienced enough. Fair, I mean I don't disagree with that. But I was really looking forward to doing that with him. Now I have to think of something else to do. I can't just cuddle him and cry into his arms all day, as much as I would like to do that.

That's all. Hopefully things will be better next time.