Two weeks

12th May 2022

I'm managing alright at the moment. In my previous posts, I talked about how the "next two weeks are going to be hell" or something like that. Well, those "two weeks" have arrived. My mum has gone to Fiji and left me, my sister and my dad at home. We've all been assigned jobs, but I basically have to do almost all of the cooking, and make sure the house is in order.

There are a few things that I am really stressed about:

I think my anxiety around this has eased a bit, especially since today is basically my second day without mum here and the load isn't too bad. Before mum left, I had a look of permanent depression on my face, not only because of this challenge but also because of other problems such as school and O.

God, I really hate cooking three times a day every day. Because my grandparents live with us too, I have to cook porridge for them at 7am every morning (including the weekends). My studies start at 10am every day, so I have to make lunch before then. At 4pm, my studies finish for the day and it's straight to cooking dinner. Which reminds me, I need to work out how I'm going to attack today's meal. At least my mum has written all the meals I'm supposed to cook, which is great. And my mum gave me a crash course on how to cook all of the meals I don't already know how to cook, so I think I'll be fine. I can still contact her if I get problems, and my grandma exists as well, so all's not too bad.

Anyway, that's that. Onto some other stuff. I've finally gotten my antidepressants. They're working - the intense feelings of... voidness are gone - or rather, numbed. But these target serotonin, and I doubt anxiety has anything to do with this hormone, so that's another problem I have to face.

I keep getting huge anxiety around O as well. I need constant reassurance that he still likes me. He was tired again when I last met him, and as a result I again felt like he wasn't interested in me anymore. At least I'm not going to see him for another two weeks (I'm not waking up earlier than I already am to quickly cook lunch), so maybe I can reset. I don't want to come across as annoying, clingy, or overly attached, so I'm trying to keep my enthusiasm about our relationship down low. I'm just really obsessed and absolutely infatuated with him (which I recognise is not a healthy attitude to have).

I realize I haven't been updating this site much apart from this section - I apologize. The music and music media section will be updated soon.

And that concludes the surprisingly short post. Until next time.