Making music

6th May 2022

I got a bit upset yesterday again when O told me he was joking the whole time on Monday, and actually knew what I was talking about. There are actually two types of midi cables, and the joke was that he was referring to the five pin midi cable, not the USB type A to USB type B (which came with my turntable). I knew those two midi cables exist but I never really knew their specific purposes. He has finally seemed to realize that I am not as good as him when it comes to music production. He thought I knew as much as he did. I feel bad that I lead him on like that - I only know the basics. I know shit like reverb and EQ and whatever, but I'm by no means an expert. He seemed to think I was on his level.

I just feel so bad and guilty, although I did nothing wrong. I knew the majority of what he talks about in terms of music production, so I wasn't exactly lying or being misleading. I just feel that now he's disappointed that I am not as "similar" to him as he thought.

And the worst thing is that this has actually put me off making music. I have been struggling for ages to come up with an idea to work on, but this incident has killed any remaining ounce of creativity that was left (if there was any in the first place). It's even more worse because yesterday, O gave me a rack synth to make some music with. And while I love the sounds on this, I cannot bring myself to open up my DAW and actually use it. It will probably stay dormant there for weeks and I feel terrible.

I feel really embarrassed recalling this. But I did actually try to make a disco track on FL Studio 20 about a month ago. All I did was add drums, chords, and lead, and what have you. I came up with it in an hour. No dynamics, no EQ, nothing. It's a fucking draft, not a fucking masterpiece. I showed it to O and he told me to send him the FL Project. I did and he just basically changed a lot of it without telling me what was wrong or anything. He even criticized how I didn't put any effects or mixing on it (when it was OBVIOUSLY a draft). Thankfully, when he sent the project back to me, FL had a seizure and wasn't able to open it, so I couldn't see everything he changed. I also used default FL plugins (I hardly have anything else), and I guess he didn't like that too. Point is, I know he meant well, but I didn't necessarily like what happened then.

I'm not uninstalling FL or even Reaper, the DAW he uses. But it's gonna sit there for a long time now, unused.

The funny thing is that he suggested we should write some music next time we hang out. I told him that I'll try, but I don't have the creative juices in me (true). But I also just don't want to write music with him. Emphasis on with, because I don't necessarily mind him writing parts for me to play on, say, saxophone, or even sing. But I do not want to actually sit down and come up with ideas with him. I don't think I can do that now for a long time.

I really have a love-hate relationship with music. Not listening to music (that is always a love relationship), but writing and performing music. I actually do love writing music, but it never comes out the way I want to. Performing music is nice, but it's a lot of work for very little reward, I think. Not to mention the times I have fucked up a performance so severely that I was in tears afterwards.

Which reminds me - one of the reasons I do not play piano anymore was because of a performance of this particular type. It was a graded perforance, and I messed up one of the pieces three times. I got a grilling by my parents after it. They offered 0 support or sympathy. After that year, I dropped the piano and took up saxophone. I would have taken nothing if I could, but my parents were intent on making me continue with music. And since then, people keep telling me to pick up the piano again, including O. I don't even know. When something gives you bad memories, you don't necessarily want to have anything to do with it. You can tell someone to "get over it", but it's difficult for some people. Moreover, some people have no problem "getting over" certain things, but have much difficulty "getting over" other things. It's telling that I am still not over this piano incident that happened almost 7 years ago now, yet I am over getting physically assaulted at my job that happened in January.

The gloomy days never seem to end, huh. I got my anti-depressants a few days ago, but obviously they will take a while to kick in. That is, if they do kick in.

My life is a mess. And it will be a bigger mess next week.

Until then.