03 November 2021

I've had my practice exams. Oh god. Gone are the days of the Mima who used to aspire for the top grades in every single paper and assignment she was given - this year she has already failed two in-class tests (that count towards the final grade) and three of her practice exam papers, one for each subject (out of a total of 7 papers). The other papers she barely passed. This is tragic.

I'm tempted to blame my teachers - they are not very good at teaching this year. But I guess some of it is up to me. My study habits are terrible - I only study during class time, and even then, sometimes I just don't do anything. I'm not taking my studies seriously this year because I just want to get out of here. But even then, once I get out of here, I'm going to university, and that comes with its own plethora of problems. Especially since I'm going to be living with my suffocating parents. I really need to write some goals for the rest of the year. To at the very least, pass all of my papers, even at the slimmest margin possible. It's better than failing, and there's no way in hell I'm going to get top marks for any of these papers. I simply haven't got the brains to get top marks this year. I just want to get out of here and start afresh. I hate this.

Does it have to do with my depression? Maybe, but not in the way you think. My depression has actually subsided quite a lot in the past 1 and a half years, and I don't really get many suicidal thoughts anymore. So I really should be doing better than my previous years. But why not? I'm probably just being lazy this year. I'm always lazy. I always want to take the shortcut for every problem and that's what's hampering me this year. I'm finally giving in.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it out. I just wonder how bad I'm going to be next year if I'm doing terrible this year.