Things have been okay-ish for the past five days or so. I am going to get my anti-depressants tomorrow (fucking finally), so hopefully my mood won't be as gloomy as it has been for the past month or however long this has been going for. Even my mum kept saying that I've been in such a grumpy mood, lmfao. So tomorrow is the day.
I'm gonna have to start this off with some more gloomy news, however. And I definitely need to make sure O never remembers this site's existence again, haha. Yesterday I got really mad at him, partially because I was envious. You see, in conversation, I told him my turntable came with a midi to USB cable. He asked "why the fuck did it come with that". I replied that it was to convert the records to digital files. I mean, why else would it be included? But he wasn't happy with that answer. He said that it was impossible since midi is literally a note being turned on and off, and cannot actually process songs. Then he started (lightly) making fun of me for not knowing that. I mean, I never used the midi to USB cable for my turntable, so how was I supposed to know? And yes, I am involved in music production, so I should have some inkling of what midi is, right? Well, I thought I did, but I guess not. And I felt so, so embarrassed. I then took what he was saying personally, that he took me to be an idiot (fucking rich of me when I call him that all the time).
I got real mad. I told him to forget the synth that he was going to lend me, and that I would never make music again. He kept saying how he thought I knew what midi was and that he thought I was smart. I told him "I don't fucking know why a midi cable came with my turntable alright", and told him I was going to sleep. He then said "pls dont be mad, i was only teasing", and I replied, "well now i am mad. good job". He took that as a joke rather than seriously and sent a smug emote.
That set me off a little. I told him that I was being serious, that I was actually genuinely mad. I told him that I am insecure that he knows so much more about music that I do, and how I wish I knew all of the stuff he talks about and does in terms of music production, and how I wish I had the opportunity to learn all of it.
And it's true. I feel like he thinks I am as good as he is, when I've only ever really made four songs in my entire life. He's made albums upon albums worth of content, he's fucking studying music for god's sake, and wants to make a career out of it. He knows so, so much more than I do. And I had so much trouble admitting this to myself, but right now, I can truly say that I'm jealous. He's so good at what he does. He's doing what I wish I could do. I don't want a career out of music, obviously, but I wish I had the knowledge he has so that I can sit down and make some amazing songs as well. I wish I could make the same type of music he makes. I've always wanted to make music with an 80's feel, and he actually has all the equipment, VSTs, and expertise to get where he wants.
I want that for myself. So much.
O told me that he only knows all of this because he's been doing this for years. He didn't just become good at it all of a sudden. He said that he wanted me to get into music production so much. He would love to have a partner to work on music with, and he'd just love to hear more music in the world. He never meant to actually offend me and dumb shit like this doesn't matter. His intents weren't malicious.
What really stood out to me was that he also said (in a semi-joking way) that he was just "dishing out my punches" back to me in a way.
Everyone whom I've had a crush on (and interacted with) left me because I hurt them in some way and they either a) didn't tell me at all (the case with L), or b) let it simmer until it burst all of a sudden (the case with N). I've told O this in some capacity as well, that people left me because I hurt them and it all came to a head. I don't want this to happen to O. So when he said the above, I realized that in actuality, I was the one at fault here and I was hurting him. Like what has happened so many times before.
I apologized for how I reacted. He said that we should stop throwing punches at each other. Even though he clarified that he was joking, I took it seriously and told him I will restrain, and asked him to call me out on it. He told me that I was okay, that he wasn't mad and that I was all good. He reiterated that he wanted to share music stuff with me and get me into production. I then told him what I said above, to call me out if I am hurting him or doing something wrong, and the consequences when that didn't happen. He then said, "Thank you for caring for me".
Damn, that was longer than I expected lmao. Sorry for that. But I think writing that all down definitely helped sort out my feelings. I now know that O wants to help me learn and that I shouldn't ever feel insecure about my lack of abilities. I'm going to try to not insult him as much, even in a joking manner, even though O said that he really didn't mind and that he was joking. I love him. I wouldn't ever want to hurt him knowingly.
To something a bit more light-hearted. O has introduced me to KISS and glam metal bands such as Ratt and Dokken. (I need to update the music page to reflect this soon). I'm going to mainly talk about Kiss - or well, the individuals from the original lineup. Honestly, I'm not actually interested in Kiss's discography as a band - Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss are so much more interesting on their own. In 1978, they all released solo albums (while still being marketed as Kiss albums), and hearing the differences in style is just so fascinating. Because I don't think my boyfriend would care (lmao), I'm gonna rank their solo albums here. Here we go!!!
Yep, there's my sperging that I'm too shy to say to O. Tomorrow (or whenever I have the time), I'll update the music page to include KISS as a whole, and I might include separate pages for Paul and Ace.
Long post for today, which I did not expect. But happy reading.