Still not good

28 April 2022

Things haven't improved much since the last post. A day before I met up with O, my dad decided to give me a driving lesson himself. It ended badly. I didn't crash the car, no - just my dad started yelling at me about shit. Maybe it was my fault, yeah. I don't really feel like elaborating on what happened. Things have been a little sour between us ever since.

I met O the next day, thinking that it would be a nice reset from the shitty two weeks I'd just had. Instead, I felt more or less the same afterwards. We watched American Psycho and I was scared half the time - I really don't like watching murder. I still liked the movie overall, but I felt embarrassed by the end of it. Then we played a bit of Halo. I had played the first level of it myself a few weeks ago, and so this day we played the second level together. I had never played video games on consoles before I met O so I still felt really awkward playing. Half the time I just hid from the aliens or stayed in the gunner of the Warthog (vehicle). I felt shit by the end of it.

Then we watched Red vs Blue, despite me telling him I didn't really want to watch it - I had just noticed he owned the DVDs. While it was funny, I lost interest about a third of the way through and just lied in his bed.

I could tell he just really wasn't enthusiastic about hanging out with me (rich, considering what I have just written) - not in a negative way, he just didn't have the same energy as before. Apparently he had a headache carrying on from two migraines he had last week. Understandable, but the irrational voice inside me couldn't help but feel it was a personal reason.

So leaving his house, I felt really melancholy. Life just isn't being nice to me right now.

I have a test today which I'm worried about. It's about programming in Java. I mean, I understand how to do all the stuff we have done so far - it's just I have to really sit down and think for a while about how to actually approach each program and how to write it. It's annoying, and since I only have one hour to do the test, I am almost positive I am not going to finish it. All I can do, I guess, is do my best under the circumstances. Annoying.

So yeah. Still not in a good mood. Considering next month as well, things are not looking up for me. I also found out O is absolutely shit at providing emotional support, so that's great. I can't even fucking rant or vent to him without getting something more than a "mood" or "bruh" or "f". Fucking hell. I swear, I actually need to get a counselor again, or I'll fucking burst.