Bad

23 April 2022

I've been doing so, so terribly these past two weeks. I don't think I've had an episode of depression like this in years. And it's even worse when you know that anxiety is also starting to play a part in your woes. I used to be so confident that I never had anxiety - I was never filled with delibitating worries, and rarely got irritated to the point of screaming and lashing out. But now, I have just reached a peak.

I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no power, no control, over anything that's happening in my life anymore. Decisions keep being made for me and for once in my life, I would like to have the power to choose. I thought I'd get it this year. I thought 2022 would finally be the year I would change my ways and get a fresh start at life. I conceived false promises of freedom and independence. I have none.

And the reason for this is my parents. I really believe I have entered my rebellious, angsty teen phase right now at 18 years old. Even though my depression was even worse during my early teenage years, this year is truly the year I have started to actually fight back and break the rules.

I was so, so dead set on moving to a different city for university. I knew that it would give me the freedom I so desperately craved and the independence I needed to become a full fledged adult. That did not come true. My parents offered me incentives that I would be crazy not to refuse to convince me to stay. And so I had to give up two scholarships to settle with the university in my own city. It's hard to say that I regret this decision for reasons that will become clear. But I am now 90% convinced that these incentives will not come true at the end of my studies, and this was just a bluff to convince me to stay.

The first few weeks of university here went alright. I was getting into the swing of things, and living life how I wanted. I had started going to the gym, and my self esteem was getting higher and higher. I was feeling good about myself.

Then two things happened - the rise of Omicron, and meeting O.

The rise of Omicron sent my parents into a panic, and my dad did not want me to go to campus as often. This ruined my fitness plans, as the gym was within my university. As a result, I didn't go to campus for almost a whole week. Almost. Because on the Monday of that week, I met O.

We were happy to just be friends. We never imagined we'd end up being something more after that meeting, but we did. And while I am absolutely smitten with O and consider him the best thing that's ever happened to me this year, the decision to date him is the most dangerous decision I've made in my entire life.

I did not mention this in my previous blog posts. But my parents do not approve of dating before completing university. To do so has consequences that would most likely get me kicked out of the house and shunned forever. And sex before marriage? Save it. I'd probably be killed.

So when my mum found out that my friendship for O wasn't actually a friendship, and that I had gotten birth control, she was extremely disappointed. She had the grace to not tell my father - that would tip me over the edge. But now I am constantly walking on eggshells. If my dad ever found out about my relationship with O, you can all say goodbye to Mima.

Why am I doing all this, then? I consider my relationship an act of silent defiance. I have been restricted way too long. I have been silenty doing whatever my parents told me without complaint.

But it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. There will always be something wrong with me, something I could do better. I am never enough as it is.

They'll never be happy for, or proud of me, no matter what.

I cried about this today, after my dad decided to say some choice words about the state of me. Because no matter how much I tell myself that I don't care about what they think of me, I do. Doesn't everyone want their parents to be happy for them? Your parents are supposed to be your support, your rock, your place to go to no matter what happens. And when you feel like they cannot be any of these for you, something has gone seriously wrong.

I think of all the times my dad has pointed out my flaws. The times he has made me feel worthless. The times that there was a "but..." to his "praise". They all outnumber the instances of genuine happiness for me.

So I am done with trying to please them. If they'll never be happy with me no matter what I do, what's the use of trying?

O does not understand. His parents are happy with him no matter what. They're not mad if he's in a relationship. They're not mad if his career path isn't secure and high-paying. He's their son, and so long as he is happy, they are proud of him. I am not jealous of this. But I do wish I had what his parents gave to him.

It's hard to talk to anyone, let alone O, about this. Not because I don't think anyone would care. But it's hard to be emotionally supportive of someone in a time of distress. And I don't blame them. I feel like the only ones who would be helpful are counselors and psychologists. But I still want some everyday support.

I feel like when I meet O again on Tuesday, I might collapse into tears. I've been so good with hiding my emotions from him, but I don't know how much longer I can do that. He's always doing cool stuff while I sit here on my laptop, studying or doing dumb shit. He doesn't need my emotional baggage. Not to mention that sometimes I feel like he's not as enthusiastic about me anymore as he once was, but I have talked about that before.

I have told him about this site. I sent him the link once, but I don't think he ever checked it. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten the URL now, since I deleted the message with the link. I'm not sure if I'll ever send it to him again, knowing what I've written.

I'm doing terribly, in case it wasn't clear. And the funny thing is? I'm currently on a mid-semester study break. People usually look forward to breaks because haha no school/work. Now I fucking loathe them. I'm unable to do what I want, contrary to the break's purpose. I'm stuck at home, at my parent's beck and call, always having to ask permission to go anywhere. I haven't seen O for nearly two weeks because of this. But it's probably not on his mind much anyway.

I have something absolutely terrible coming up in May as well, but that's something to elaborate for in another blog post, because I have already dumped enough of my problems in this corner of my website for today. Just know that I'm not looking forward to it, and I will go through another two weeks of hell - with a lot more tears.

Hopefully the next time I write, I will be a little more positive.

EDIT: I went to have dinner after writing this post. I reached to grab a second serving. My mum said "Oh, do you find the food tasty?" and I said "No, I just need more". Then my dad made a comment that I didn't quite catch, but I knew it was snide. It may have been something like "Why didn't you get all the food you needed first" or "Why don't you grab other foods apart from what was made today" or even "Why do you not make food properly", since I had made the food and it was slightly overcooked. Can you believe he has the guts to complain about something so fucking insignificant that it would not even matter 30 seconds from then? Fuck him.