I need my life back on track again.

15 April 2022

I honestly think it all started when I stopped weightlifting. My self-esteem was slowly rising when I was lifting weights and working towards a goal. Sure, there were times I failed and didn't achieve what I wanted to, but I had a goal to achieve.

Now I'm fairly sure I have anxiety. I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough. Not for my boyfriend, not for my grades, not for anything. Every time I don't understand what my assignments are trying to ask of me, I get angry and irritated. And when my mum walks in the door to ask me to do a job WHILE I'm irritated, I scream and lash out at her. When my boyfriend doesn't talk to me as enthusiastically as he normally does, I worry he's losing interest in me. I'm just always worried, and nervous, and scared, and irritated, and mad. This has never been me. I was supposed to have gotten rid of my mental health problems the second I got on escitalopram. I felt like I was fixed, but now I've been cracked open in a different way.

Why don't I continue weightlifting? My parents hate me going to campus every day (where my gym is situated). Now that it's the mid-term study break, I have even less reason to go to campus, and now every time I ask for permission, I'm treated with suspicion. It doesn't help that my mum knows about my relationship with O now, and disapproves of it. I now feel like I'm trapped. Which is what I don't want to feel. That's the entire fucking point of university - to be more independent and take control of your life. But every time I do take control, I'm met with disapproval and distrust. I feel like I'm losing control now.

I don't know what to do anymore. My self esteem is low. I hate myself more than I did a year ago. I feel like I have to rely on others to validate myself. When I was weightlifting, I was doing it for myself. No one else. But when people started complaining, I shrunk back into my shell and resumed my old ways.

I feel so helpless. I'm lost. I can't figure out what my next steps should be. Right now I'm focusing on studying and preparing for some upcoming tests. But I need to work out how to get myself back up again mentally and emotionally.

Until then, it's one day at a time. But I don't know how long I can keep living by this motto for.