Anxiety

02 April 2022

I haven't really been in the best of moods for the past few days. Curse of the blog post, I guess. I realized that while I may not have a severe case of depression anymore, I may have anxiety instead. I made my boyfriend a bit upset two days ago and when he told me that, I got upset. I was scared that he may not like me anymore. Even though he kept reassuring me that I'm fine, that he was not mad at me, I still kept apologizing. I've also had feelings of embarrassment whenever we got intimate and I felt like I wasn't doing well, or I wasn't pleasing him enough. Even though I'm so happy to have O in my life, I'm always nervous that I may not be the perfect person he always wanted, and that he may blow up at me for something, which he came close to on Thursday. I wanted him to yell at me and make me feel shit the same way I made him feel shit. I don't know why he isn't mad at me.

I also have two hard assignments to complete in the upcoming week before the mid-term break. I have to construct a program in Java but I'm not sure how to retrieve the max value in an Array List using the library that the uni has given us. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to import another library in, as most of the answers on the internet use this other library. I'm super terrible at reading documentation so I guess I gotta learn how to do that.

Another assignment is more maths related and requires me to work with trig stuff, including trig proofs. I fucking hate trig proofs. Actually I just hate everything trig related that doesn't require you to plot Asin(wt + b) on a graph. I seriously hope I don't have to deal with this in the future, especially since this course is for Engineering Maths, and I'm doing a Computer Science major. (This engineering maths paper is compulsory for the course, unfortunately).

I have another assignment due next week, but it's not until the following Sunday, so I'm not prioritizing that at the moment. But I am stuck on a certain part there, and I'm not sure if I can overcome that hurdle. It's frustrating how they're so big on not asking for help on assignments and rather leave you to your own devices, dumping a huge amount of resources for you to use.

Yeah, I'm just straight up not having a good time right now. I need to draw up a concrete plan of how to tackle my assignments, and refill my antidepressants (I'm taking the last of it today). For now, it's time to play Roblox Fashion Famous. Until next time, my dudes.