Ruminations

10 March 2022

Another blog post after two days. I feel really melancholy at the moment. I know I have at least one new friend that I made in uni (Y), but I can't help feeling that he doesn't like me back. He told me he'd be present on campus today but he didn't show up. I didn't bother asking him why because I felt clingy, and maybe he's sick of me wanting to know his whereabouts. He probably thinks "If it's none of her business where I am, why is she asking?" I'm probably overthinking, because I don't think he would say such a thing. He's too nice. I've been told I'm clingy, and I've had some clingy people in my life before, so I don't know what to do. I want to be friends with Y, I want to be more than friends, even. I barely know him to judge well.

I wish I didn't come to campus today. Only reason I came was because I wanted to hang with Y. I was very very close to not going because my dad wanted me to stay home due to me taking a Covid test. I don't want this to turn into another Covid rant, but I was fuming at how paranoid he is and so I went to campus out of defiance. I guess after years of not speaking up against my parents and not having much independence, I'm finally standing up for myself.

That's why I wanted to move out for university. I don't want to have to rely on my parents for everything. There was even a time when the thought of staying with my parents for another three years made my stomach churn because of how irritating and overbearing they can be. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be independant. Unfortunately, independence costs money, which my parents are not willing to give up, despite them being more than able to do so. Did you know they set aside a university fund for me when I was like 8? I swear, by now it should have 20 grand in it, maybe more. That's more than enough to cover accomodation at my first year away. But they put it all into their property projects, along with my sister's university fund. I'm very mad that despite the multiple scholarships I was awarded, I ended up staying at my home town, taking the bus and train almost every day, and dealing with my parents when I come home.

I'm also feeling a little stressed about upcoming assignments. We're slowly getting into the grind, and I'm not ready at all. I'm not sure how much I have due next week, maybe about 3. I'm hardly thinking about it. I scheduled my days pretty well last week, but this week I'm just going with the flow, which is bad. I have to start scheduling again.

I've said this before, but I'm meeting up with a friend on Monday. I guess we'll call him O. I'm very excited. We've been talking a lot more often nowadays, and he's been showing me all of the music that he's made. And he's made a LOT, lol. I spent a lot of today just listening to the stuff he sent me. His stuff is pretty fascinating. I'm very excited to finally meet him IRL.

Man, this was a useless blog post, aye. All I wanted to do was write. Oh well. Until next time.

EDIT: people are confused as to why I said that a lecturer is gay because he has pronouns in his discord name. the industrial revolution and its consequences

Back?