24 February 2022

I'm beginning to think my menstrual cycle does indeed have an effect on my mood. I used to think my period had no effects on me whatsoever. No irratibility, no tiredness, no nothing. Just the occasional cramp on the 2nd or 3rd day (that can be easily solved with paracetomol). But now I think in the 4-5 days leading up to the first day, I get very irritated. The little things annoy me. Being asked to do housework. Getting interrupted while I'm listening to music. I'd get very mad and sulk and mull over it for ages. I don't really know how to manage it. I can only think of a change of antidepressants, perhaps, but that's going to be a hassle. And that reminds me, I need to sign up for my university's free health center.

Last night was probably when I realized that my period effects my emotions. I was mulling over N and L and how I had lost such good friendships. I cared for them so much. I was especially thinking about L and how he was doing. My curiosity got the better of me, and it lead to me interacting with someone whom I cut off all contact with. I was embarrassed and I regret it very much.

I tend to keep my emotions to myself. I hate talking about it with people one-on-one, unless that person is someone whom I trust a lot. N and L were those people. I don't even share my feelings with my friends irl. It feels weird to even tell my current online friends about how I'm feeling. If I'm comfortable enough with you to tell you that I have been crying, then that's something that shouldn't be taken for granted. It means I trust you. There aren't a lot of people out here who can be trusted. There aren't even a lot of people that I like. Seriously, I surprise myself with how many people I don't like. I guess I just have a very narrow minded view of the type of person that I would like to be friends with.

I'm worried about university again. I'm meant to sign up for labs and tutorials, but some of them still haven't opened yet. Just as I was writing this, my lab selections for a computer science course opened, and now I have four things to attend to in a day on Monday, Thursday and Friday. It seems like my initial plans to keep Tuesday completely free of anything will not be happening, because I still have labs and tuts to sign up for two other courses. Hip hip, hooray. Also, I talked to someone who took a similar course to me a few months ago, and they say the faculty is in shambles. So that's fun.

I really hate uncertainty, man. I need everything confirmed NOW otherwise I will cry. Only one of my courses has put up any material. The others I have almost no idea about. Ughhhh. Life really doesn't like being easy, huh.

I don't know what else to say. I'm yawning a lot. But I don't usually have a nap during the day. Maybe I'm just very, very bored. Maybe university will help me to not be bored. But I will be extremely busy. Everyone says not to underestimate the workload. But they say it's fun too. So I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm getting overwhelmed with the amount of uncertainties I'm facing. I feel a little lost.

Anyway, I think I'll stop this post here. I need to find a healthier outlet to pour my emotions out. Maybe this is the healthiest I can find.