Bad day

19 December 2021

I had an extremely bad day at work yesterday. The events that happened are really minor but they made me upset. Lots of little things that resulted in me crying before sleeping last night.

Let's start from two nights before. Me and one other person was responsible for closing the store at the end of the day. I had only done it about three times before, so I wasn't too confident about doing it. But then all of a sudden, the other person had an emergency and she was crying (I didn't press for the reason why), so she went home early. It was up to me to close by myself. Granted, there was one other person working in a sister store that was helping me a little, but I had to do most of the work by myself. I wasn't that stressed - I had a checklist, I went through all of it, and I went home.

But then I wondered if I had locked the safe. Did I leave it open? I didn't go back to check, as by then I was already on the road home. I was really scared that someone would break into the store, see the open safe, steal the keys and steal all of our products. And if that didn't happen, then would my manager still fire me or something for forgetting? It resulted in me getting only five hours of sleep that night.

Alright, so that brings us to yesterday. I did indeed lock the safe. My manager told me I did well with closing by myself last night, and pointed out some things that I did wrong (which I already had a feeling I did wrong anyway). So that worry was squished.

For about one and a half hours, I was flat out busy. I was in the middle of doing a job, when I found a customer wanting help. But then straight after I served that customer, another one needed help, and it was just customer after customer for a long time before I could finish my initial job and finally take my 20 minute break. I slept during that break, trying to come down from the stress.

Anyway, I think this was after the break. But my schoolfriend who also works at the same place I work at decided to be a little bitch and ask why I had to take this job when it was so terrible. I told her "Well you never told me about how bad it was!" And she was like "Well if someone in the job is telling you not to take the job, you shouldn't." And then I said "Well you never gave me an explanation why!" We have had this conversation before and I don't like it. She was the one who suggested I apply. What did she think? She was also talking about how she liked getting money and stuff from it. I wouldn't say that it felt like she didn't want me here, but I did feel something similar. I don't know how to explain it, but it just made me feel shitty and made me start regretting applying for the job. Yeah it wasn't perfect, but I'm here to make money. I'm only a Christmas casual anyway.

The next part really did it for me. This was about half an hour before my shift finished. I don't even want to explain what happened. Yeah, I'm not gonna. It still makes me mad and upset. Just... how can adults communicate in such a condescending and snarky manner in a professional setting? I was silent for the rest of the shift, only communicating when my colleague talked to me.

I shed a few tears at home, but they were isolated. About 10 o'clock that night, the friend who questioned me about my decisions asked me if I was okay, and that the adult who was being condescending to me "can be a bit mean sometimes". I said "what the fuck did my colleague tell you". She said that my colleague was worried. I told her that I'm okay, and for some reason, that set off the waterworks. I was sitting with my parents watching a really dumb show, and I had to get up and go to the toilet to cry.

I don't really want to say much else on it, apart from my mum found out and I had to tell her this morning. I hate telling my parents stuff. They never understand or provide much comfort. I told an online friend about how I was crying. I told N about it too but he is yet to see my message, the bastard. He's the only one who can give me comfort and yet when I need him most, he's doing something else. I wish I could just be in his arms and cry into his chest. I just know that he would make me feel better.

Speaking of N, he liked my present. I thought he would give me an equally long ramble about how much he cares about me too, but he said just it was really sweet to read, and that I was the first to wish him. I wish I could be with him in person so I can REALLY show how much I care about him, because it's too much to be put into words. Sigh. I need better friends. All the good ones live too far away from me.

Anyway, I'm still a bit upset. I'm listening to Yukiko Okada's whole discography to make me feel better. I don't know if it's working, but I need any comfort I can get.