13 December 2021

Well. In less than an hour's time, the clock will strike midnight in my friend N's timezone and it will be his birthday. I've decided against giving him a playlist - I simply do not know enough about his music taste to give him a good one. I'll just end up sending him the letter and the secret present. Apparently N is taking someone out to eat tonight. The jealous, overpossessive "girlfriend" in me hopes it's not another girl. After hearing about this, I debated not sending the letter and present to him at bang on midnight. Maybe every now and then I'll check if he's online, and if he's not, then I'll just send the gifts just before I go to sleep. I'm kind of worried as to whether or not he will like them. Maybe it's a bit too heartfelt, the letter. Maybe he doesn't hold the same friendly-yet-intimate feelings as he did before, and I'm just fooling myself again. But it's too late now - I've been preparing this for about a week, and I would be pussy to back out of it now.

I've had a bad few days. I am prone to getting irritated very easily, be it through my family or work. At work, I'm able to control it, because I don't want customers thinking I'm a bitch. But at home I tend to let my emotions go unfiltered. Probably because I expect my family to know my behavioural patterns at this point and to not disturb it. But then again, I still get irritated at the smallest and most petty things. My mum asks me to do something while I'm in the middle of watching a video? I get pissed. Even more so if she asks me to do another job straight after. My sister wanders into my room for no reason other than to annoy me? I get pissed. My parents try to make smalltalk after a whole day of me making smalltalk? Guess what happens? I get pissed.

I don't know why this is happening more often nowadays. Maybe it's my depression manifesting itself in a different form. Maybe it's something else entirely. I'm lost on what to do. I think my mum finally got the prescription for my medication, but she hasn't gone to the pharmacy yet. I wish I wasn't so scared to go to the doctors and get a prescription myself. One time I set up a doctor's appointment after my first allocation of meds, and the doctor gave me unsolicited advice on "feeling better" based on one reason I gave her for my depression. That made me furious. Just give me my fucking meds, I don't need your moral grandstanding.

Because I have started a new job, I have to do some religious shit to thank God for "giving" me a job. God didn't do shit, but okay. I had to use some of my wages to buy a few fruits, and I'm going to offer them soon. Another annoyance in my daily life that I could use without. I wasn't supposed to use my own money to buy stuff until I had bought my offerings, but I had to use my card to buy some sushi for lunch, because the server activated the card machine before I could pull out my mum's cash. Poor God, he didn't get the fruits of my labor first - a wagie did. Although I don't know which is more depressing.

On a sidenote, my article on my religious journey will be posted soon - I've done a first draft and intend on editing it someday. I'm working for the next five days straight, and my mum has crammed appointments whenever I don't work a full 9 hours, so I can't really get to it. I only have the energy to make minor edits to my site and create blog posts like these. And on my break days, I tend to just mindlessly browse the internet. I've already been productive, why do I need to be productive again?

Anyway, I'm not doing too well mentally and I don't feel like I deserve a "mental health/self care day", because I had tons of opportunities to do that and I wasted them all. So it's just coping with life one step at a time until I burn out for now.