Work, studies and friendships

29 November 2021

Well, it's been an eventful few days for me. For starters, I started my job two days ago. I was absolutely BOMBARDED with the amount of information given to me, and I'm pretty sure I have forgotten at least 70% of what was said. It's a customer service role, so I'm gonna be interacting with people a lot, which is going to suck. Most summer jobs are customer service anyway. I could have gone somewhere else and do some fruit picking, but I would have to find my own accomodation somehow. I just hope I'll do well in this role and get some of that sweet sweet cash. Also I didn't work that many hours that day - I was supposed to work for 8 hours but the manager let me leave after four. I'm not complaining. There was, like, nothing for me to do.

Related to my job, I have to go for some training in the city centre. I'm getting paid for that training too. It counts as work, I guess. But idk how I'm going to get there. Do my parents even know the location of the building? I don't know. Oh well.

First exam for calculus tomorrow. I think I'm 60% sorted. Obv I'm not gonna pass with flying colours, but I'm definitely going to pass 2 of the 3 papers I have to do. The third one I don't really care, I find it extremely useless (just like all of calculus really) and so I won't bother. Not like it's going to be the end of the world if I fail a paper.

I'm worried about the time I'll have studying for my next two papers though. Because of work, I only have three full days to study. I could come home after work and study too, but I know for a fact I'll be very exhausted. I need to watch Mike and Matty on YouTube for help on last minute studying. I especially need to focus on Physics because that is my weakest subject.

I broke off a friendship two days ago as well. Main reason being he wasn't very pleasant to talk to anymore. All he does is say racist shit to me and send me dumb memes. Now let me make it clear that I don't mind racist jokes at my expense. If you're a friend, you can literally call me a street-shitter and I wouldn't care. But he was just doing it way too often to the point where the line between jokes and truth became blurred. Also it came off like he didn't know how to hold a proper conversation. There was a specific set of events that set this realization off in me, but I won't go into detail. It was somewhat of a split decision, with a few foreshadowing events that happened.

I've lost lots of friendships in my life. I've detailed this in a previous blog post. In the cases where I broke off the friendship myself, there was always a feeling of anger behind it. This time, not really. Well, there definitely was anger behind it, but not in the same way as other friendships. It was less anger and more of a melancholy motivation. And I don't know if this is related, but for the past two nights, I've had extremely depressive thoughts. Some borderline suicidal. I imagine myself attempting and a friend saving me. Maybe that's just what I want. A solid friend to lean on. I want a lifelong friend. Someone whom I know will stick by me through thick and thin and won't leave no matter what.

I have one person in mind to be my lifelong friend. But he lives in another country. I don't know if I'll ever see him in real life. I really want to, and he wants to see me too. But it's impractical. How would I convince my parents to let me see a man I've been talking to online? He could come here, but border restrictions in New Zealand are the tightest in the world right now and there's no way he would get in. When he booked a flight to see a friend in a different country, I was really sad. I wish he would book a flight to see me.

Post over.